How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
