And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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