I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
