RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
