I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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