it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
