Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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