I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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