I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Randomize