Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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