No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
