She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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