i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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