if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
