hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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