and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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