Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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