so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize