3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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