i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize