i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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