I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
