I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
