During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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