i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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