Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
