I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
