we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you had me at cake vodka
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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