new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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