I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
