At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
