I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
