I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize