i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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