There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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