and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
