His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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