I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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