I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
