new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
