What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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