When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
