I'm so fucking centered right now
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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