did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
