You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
