Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
