Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
