have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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