i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
