I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
