Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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