last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize