I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
