just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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