dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
