just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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