I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
