I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
