So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
