??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
