Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
