I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
