the condom got lost in my hair
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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